December 11, 2003

Let's Enjoy Christmas Shopping

music cues, a panicked, whiplash-inducing glance for the exit. sinking feeling of impending doom. hands stiffen, drop the can of corn nibblets and smack over ears with vice-grip of death. a futile gesture of resistance "Aaaaaaughhhhh!!! Make it stop! Must...get...away...from...Wham..."


Last Christmas I gave you my heart...


complete sense of pure unfiltered dread momentarily drowns out all sensory input and cognitive processes, auto-pilot violently, abruptly overrides manual control. interfacing, specifically and most importantly control of motor functions, is shanghaid, limited to only sensory input. bashing head against the steel extrusion of the shopping isle, chikkabwaayayayang-ing, a diving board, and canned Green Giant creamed-corn jumps down, a bludgeoning rain. this is strictly a base level reaction of the nervous system to a powerful stimulus

...And the very next day, you gave it away...

optic sensors spot the massive, carefully crafted ziggarut of bread down the lane, legs start building up speed toward the objective

...This year to save me from tears...

continuing to build up momentum... targeting system locks onto dead center of pyramid, dives in with hands tucked at side for optimal aerodynamics, flying vertical with face leading first. slightly distorted greyscale stock footage of a tomohawk missle, from its POV, converging on an iraqi bunker jacks into the optical feed and

...I'll give it to some one special...

tactile senses slice their way to the front of the line. face feels the soft give of opaque plastic bag and 5 fat slices of japanese white bread for 1/100th of a second, followed by the unexpected solid, unyeilding corner of the green ABS plastic milk bins, the hidden foundation, braced by the L intersection of the white-washed concrete wall and freshly waxed linoleum floor. the sizzling electric fuzzy hazed crunch of nose being coerced into the nasal cavity completely drowns out the bouncy thud of the body hitting the black and white checkered linoleum


...Special!


all signals lost for an infinite, unending moment, drowning in an infinite crimson tempest of noise. slowly, easing back into control of the totaled hulk of wreckage... a wave breaks, an uncontrollable urge to go sing Wham at karaoke crashes over, and recedes just as quickly. adrenaline buzz burns away, but endorphins start to kick in... ah, Christmas in Japan has come again, the slightly muted, warm, salty, excruciating pain helps bring into focus the original objective of a visit to the supermarket: now where are those blasted chocolate-strawberry Hello Kitty Christmas cakes?

Posted by Adam at 07:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Screaming Trees

I just wrote this for my village's newspaper. It will be interested to see what people think of it when I come back from Christmas break.

Americans are generally very impressed at the Japanese traditional arts and their complex sense of aesthetics (or they pretend to be in order to appear "cultured"). Many people marvel at how a simple tree can be transformed into a graceful, highly stylized caricature through tireless pruning, shaping, and nurturing. Ah, the bonsai tree lives a tragic life. It’s branches are endlessly broken and set, cut off and cast aside, and it’s roots are confined by a small vessel to keep it stunted as long as it lives. Can you imagine if someone constantly broke your arms and legs, or kept you in a small box (because they thought that it made you look beautiful) in order to make you look different from what you naturally should become? I think that bonsai is a beautiful form of art, and I have nothing against the practice. But what if trees can feel pain, and can suffer (which I don’t believe, after all trees and humans are completely different)? I think that they might choose death as a Christmas trees instead of life as a bonsai.
In America, the average family celebrates Christmas (Chaunakkah and Kwanzaa are for a whole different article). The tree is the most important symbol of Christmas because everyone has one in their house, and more importantly it serves as shelter for the presents. The tree is what everyone sits around on Christmas morning to open their gifts. The tree is where all of the torn wrapping paper, opened boxes, and Christmas cards sit waiting to be cleaned up. The scent of pine always reminds me of Christmas.
Usually, families go to pick out a Christmas tree from a Christmas tree farm or vendor. The characteristics of the Christmas trees are given much consideration, for example: is it the right height? Does it look good from every angle? Is it big (small) enough to fit all of the presents, or to make it look like there are a lot of presents, underneath? Is it too dry? Is it too expensive? Is it the right species of tree? Is that guy about to buy the Christmas tree that I want? These are just a few of the thoughts that we consider before making a decision. Once the decision is made, the defenseless tree is sawed down and carried home on top of the car (another good scenario to anthropomorphisize and ponder).
Inside the house, the tree is carefully groomed, placed in a stand with plenty of water, and then it is decorated. It can take up to a day to fully decorate a regular tree, in order to get it looking just right. Lights, ornaments, and streamers are hung with great care, and are constantly adjusted to make it look good from all angles (like ikebana). I feel a great sense of relief and satisfaction when we finish with the tree (or any other pain-in-the-ass activity).
So why do I think that trees would prefer to be Christmas trees instead of Bonsai? The Christmas tree dies quickly, so although its life is shorter its death is also less painful. The bonsai tree often lives a long life full of being cut, cracked, and deformed, while the Christmas tree is cut just once (and slowly dies of thirst). If you feel sad for the trees, then my suggestion is to buy a fake Christmas tree or bonsai. I don’t feel sad for the tree (because it is a tree!), but I still say “thanks” to it for being an important part of my Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone, and have a happy New Year!

Posted by Adam at 05:20 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack