What kind of savage beast could possibly do this type of damage to my forearm???

You are probably picturing this, the mighty T-Rex, in your head! But no, this creature is much more cunning and dangerous.

She is so dangerous that they keep her behind a reinforced set of iron bars, and use modified supercharged cattleprods to keep her at bay! This is what bit me, and she has since the last chomp, tried to bite me a couple more times!

However, no beast can match up to the raging fury that lurks within my little sister. I have a scar on my cheek created from when I was 5 years old. She bit down and refused to let go even after drawing blood, a testament to her feral temper.

Tiny exploring hands. This is my concise description of what a Hoikuen (nursery school) is. I no longer keep anything on me when I visit because my kids are all pickpockets of varying skills. The mob technique is employed every time I go, with two kids clamping onto each leg, while two apiece grab onto my arms, and everyone else huddles around me. Sometimes the more motivated ones bring chairs or anything else they can step on (i.e. each other) to jump onto my back. Its a collective effort to make me plummet to the Earth, much like the exploits of groups of primitive Neanderthals working as a team to bring down a mighty mammoth! There is no holds barred in this dystopic island of the beasts.

I have developed a set of rules to follow to increase the chance of survival:

1. Cover your crotch and anal region at ALL times. The boys especially used to love socking me full force in the nuts at unexpected times. I put a stop to this immediately by applying my Vulcan Death Grip, so now it has almost ceased to be a problem. However, the kancho (shoving fingers up your butt) remains a problem. They ALWAYS try this at some point during the day, even if I make them sorry they did it. What is it about these kids? Don't their parents teach them that you shouldn't touch certain things??? I have even seen adults engage in this behavior (one older man tried to kancho a hostess who was serving us drinks)!

2. Don't fall to the ground. Two words sum it up: Dog pile. With 30 plus kids at a time, death by suffocation is not so far fetched a possibility (is this proper English???).

3. Don't duck down to check on the status of a crying child. This seems heartless, but unless you think something is really wrong, chances is that this is just a clever, irresistable ruse. Survey the situation standing completely erect. If you don't understand this, refer to #2.

4. If you push the kids on the swings, demand reciprocation. This gives you a chance to rest, and its fun to see them try so hard and get absolutely nowhere (hahaha!!!). Really, though, find a good place to avoid detection and rest when you need it.

5. Wear stuff that you wouldn't mind wearing if you were to go wrassle yerself some hogs. Stuff gets stretched out, torn, and really really dirty. Boogers, dirt, food, and many other disgusting forms of contamination will bombard you from the time you arrive until you make it to your car.

6. Bring stuff to bribe them with. When reason fails, use their greed to get them to do what you want! Dealing with a pack of hoikuen kids is probably the same as dealing with the Mongol hordes. Show no fear, and promise them rewards if they cooperate.

7. Think carefully before you do something for anyone. If you do it for one of them, you probably will have to do it for all of them.

8. Think carefully before you talk. They are brilliant at parroting when they want to, so only proper English should be spoken. If rule #1 is forgotten, this can be quite challenging.

Lessons are proceeding better than I had expected. I have tweaked my lessons to up the game time, to introduce a more broad range of cultural content, and reinforce past lessons. This is the culmination of years of observation, cognition, and experimentation: As Hannibal says "I love it when a plan comes together!".

Last night during a private eikaiwa (english conversation class) I learned that Kikuko (the secretary at Yamaga Shogakko) was able to use some English that I taught her four months before. Some of the lessons I have been making deal with trouble shooting in other countries, including: how to protect yourself from scams, what to say in difficult situations, how to find the best places (to eat, shop, party, etc...), how to get around and ask directions, how to give vague answers to dangerous questions, how to get the best prices on stuff, and the use of slang and idioms to name a few.

Kikuko went to Vietnam two weeks ago, and had a chance to use what I taught her. The maid tried to make her sign a charge sheet stating that she would pay for a TV set that was broken when she was away from her hotel room. Kikuko read the statement, and realized that the maid was trying to pull a fast one, so she busted out with: "I want to talk to your manager!".

The maid's bluff called, she quickly said "I'm sorry, there's no problem, let me talk to my manager and I will take care of this" and she was not charged or bothered about it again! I can tell you this much- MY eikaiwa students will not be taken advantage of like your run of the mill Nihonjin! Try and take advantage of them will earn you a "Crazy Fool(in the words of the all mighty B.A. Baracus)! What are you trying to pull? Do you think I'm stupid?!? Whats your name? I want to talk to your boss!".

Ah, thats what teaching is all about!

When people hear that I get to work at 3 hoikuens every week, they generally say either "Awwwww, they must be so cute" or "Wow, that sounds cool". Well these two statements are true, but babies are really disgusting things.

They piss all over the tatami, they smell like feces at times, they drool whether excited or comatose, have food caked in their hair, face, clothes, and whatever else they come into contact with, they will put their hands anywhere, they put anything they can into their mouths, and they perpetually have big boogers creeping out of their tiny noses.

Its not like my kids are not well taken care of. After lunch they are cleaned, but it seems like all effort is in vain. In no time, they are once again filthy. Hahaha, my home no longer seems so messy anymore!

Today I decided to change my lessons in all of my classes, increasing the duration and range of games played. I have decided that not all games need to be ones that involve practicing English, as long as they serve the purpose of motivating the students to develop their language, cognition, social, motor, and various other skills that will be of use in the future. This ties into my plan to create an educational environment which will encourage creative and critical thinking, with the ultimate goal of providing my kids with the tools to learn on their own, and to motivate themselves independently of the curriculum based education.

I am quite happy with most of my shogakko lessons, and the kids still have a spark in their eyes and WANT to learn more English. The Hoikuen kids also like English lessons, but they forget everything rapidly, and many of them can't yet speak Japanese!

I think the best thing I can do for my kids is to support them in enjoying their childhood experiences. I believe that with positive associations, my kids will turn out better in the long run if I concentrate on important areas and cut down on unnecessary educational activities. This is my way of upping the quality and shifting away from the quantity of things that I teach. They will have plenty of time to vegetate and to perfect their techniques to deal with rote, mind-rotting work when they reach Chugakko.

As for Chugakko, the best I can do (since we have to stick to the text and do boring drills to prepare for the outdated entrance exams) is to concentrate on the students whose interests in English and foreign cultures have not completely collapsed, and to hopefully make a small difference. It is discouraging to note that with the jump from Hoikuen to Shogakko and from Shogakko to Chugakko, the rate at which the students pick up English dramatically decreases. This in itself is not necessarily bad, but the plunge in morale as Chugakko progresses is indeed a sad, sad thing to witness.

There is hope at the end of the tunnel, though. After teaching high schoolers this summer, I found many of them to be highly enthusiastic and hungry to learn English. This is also true of many college students who I have met. I know that my kids have the potential to become truly engaged in the pursuit of real education, and hope that that potential comes to fruition. This years work is indeed cut out for me. I will do my best.