Like a zit on a classy older woman' face. Or something like that.

A double winner!

Check out the plate holder - made of a special reflective material that prevents highway cameras from getting a shot of the number plate - that is, uh, assuming there is one.

It's art, dude!

In front of the fourtwenty head shop in Amemura. Note the classic Osaka parking job - sometimes you need a can opener to get out.

Proof that tonight's yakiniku feast was of the all-you-can-eat type.

My dad just sent me this clip:
PianoBrothers.wmv

I was awoken by the mailman, who came with an Amazon package. I'm now listening to Aphex Twin and eating oranges and I feel very

, if you know what I mean. It must be from that wine I had before bed. Red wine dreams are always good. Aphex Twin is always good. Today is going to be an awesome day, I can just feel it.

Unconciously sketched by the GF while on the phone with me....

The guy I work across from, Angry Hiro, spent the whole day teaching a particularly inept vendor a lesson by yelling at them on the phone for ten hours straight. I am currently trying to recall the funniest combinations of "dumbass," "dipshit," and "fuckhead," and spent most of the day cracking up with my coworkers. Angry Hiro even used our amusement to belittle them, holding up the receiver and yelling shit like, "Do you hear that? They're laughing at YOU! ASSHOLES!" In between bouts, he was popping these little white pills like mad and wiping sweat off his brow with this gaudy brown-and-black checkered hanky embossed with a Chanel logo.

When I asked him what the pills were for, he barked, quite proudly, "ulcer!"

It is a testament to the twisted state of corporate life to realize that I can respect that. Dumbass.

If you are a techno gadget freak, this is not news to you but I'm posting this for all other forms of life in Japan:

BUY AN LCD MONITOR RIGHT NOW!

I bought two last week because everyone is predicting the prices will rise again soon... I bought a new high performance 17" Mitsu for 1/2 the sticker price (at an online store I use often - PC Success), and it's kicking ass for all the games I play. I also got a 17" Iiyama for Nam, who spends many hours every day working on her doctoral thesis - this should help prevent eye strain. Our old CRT's are out in my hallway, doing what they do best - taking up space! An unexpected bonus of switching from CRT to LCD was that it opened up a huge (albeit dusty) space on my desk (which I actually already filled up with stacks of CDs, assorted phone bills, food wrappers, etc., but that's another story).

I opted for the Mitsubishi and the IIyama because these two companies along with BENQ are the only ones that use a 100-240V power supply, which is what I will need to use them in Thailand when we move. I'm only writing about this because I actually went to Osaka to compare product catalog specs to actual rating labels on the floor models a couple weeks ago, and I thought I'd save someone else the trouble since I've seen this question asked elsewhere.

To give you an idea of how cheap LCD monitors really are in Japan right now, I just saw offers for some 19" models under the 30,000 mark - wow! I remember when 15 inchers were twice that price - not so long ago. I'm glad I waited so long to get ours.

I am too respectful to post a pic, but believe me, I have surreptitiously photographed several. Yes, Concerned Reader, it is true: The Humpbacked Obachan is on the verge of becoming an endangered species. On my island, at least. And seeing how Awajishima is basically a giant, floating retirement community for aoriika longliners and graying mobsters alike, I am an eminent expert on, for lack of a better term, old people.

The subject in question, humpticulous spinstrisis, or, "Humpy" for short, is, simply, an ancient, stooped-over (sometimes more than 90 degrees!) lady (some of who sport humps on their backs - duh!). And I say "lady" in the female sense of the word, because some of them, quite frankly, are not nice people at all:
My first encounter with a Humpy was at the giant ishibutai tomb in Asuka Mura, where I first lived in Japan, at my second cousin's church (long story). I thought this old woman was stooped over looking for dropped coins or something, so I went over to help her. After a few minutes, an ancient croak emitted from her direction, "just what in the hell are you doing?" I suddenly realized my mistake and was greatly embarassed, but intrigued by this person who was spending her declining years staring down at the dirt, and decided to do more research.

My research method was simple: Go to where old people gather, and observe. This explains my numerous visits to gateball tournaments, Nodoka-mura, and inner-city public housing complexes on "big trash" day. Some of my findings over the years:

- As can be inferred from the above, almost all humpies are female.

- Humpies are generally highly regarded in Japanese society, although this just might be the age factor. In Japan, as elsewhere, age = respect.

- I suspect advanced Humptosity is at least partially caused by osteoporosis, although it wouldn't surprise me to see similar posture in, say, game company employees.

- In speaking with several Humpies, I found out that the condition itself does not cause a lot of pain, but it's hard not to be able to sleep on your back (They all tend to sleep in chairs or propped up on cusions.).

- Humpies hibernate in winter.

- More humpies are spotted taking out the trash than in any other situation.

In the course of four years of observation of the Humpy colony on my island, I have been able to distinguish 1,796 (!) individuals (population has since declined to a current approximated level of 1,450). Most have been unresponsive to my questions, and several brooms have been raised in defensive positions. A radio tagging effort has been unsuccessful. Still, my research continues, because the fact of the matter is that Humpy population should be growing, not rapidly declining as they are now. Also, Humpies don't really have a voice in the blogosphere for some reason.

SPEAK UP, HUMPIES! THIS IS YOUR FORUM!

I beat anorexia!

I so want that shirt.

Update: Dave found a link where I can get one: LINK

Link found somewhere (just before my browser crashed):
20 Questions to a Better Personality

....
You are a WRDL--Wacky Rational Destructive Leader. This makes you a Enemy of the State.

You are charismatic and winning and a very dangerous enemy. You favor justice over compassion, and would almost rather see your opponent fail than you succeed.

You impact the lives of those around you more than any other personality. People remember your name and respect you. You are a tremendous amount of fun to be around and astonishing to watch. You are generally abstinent in your habits, and you like things tidy and ordered.

When picking teams, it is smartest for others to pick yours.

Of the 80601 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 1.5 % are this type.

"Fish Sausage." Nasty.

Two good links today:

One for the Road: West Virginia's Roadkill Cookoff

Bitter cold spurs dumpling madness

I'm back, after a five-day stretch being tortured by Koga ninjas in their secret lair under Lake Biwa. Fortunately, I survived by using my wits and took them all out with my killer combos:

whooping peony-blossom punch
explosive hawk flip
double star thrust
laughing taoist penetration
invincible eagle wall
resplendent sage knee
yellow emperor's secret charge
burning fox-woman defense
abominable goldfish jab
unfathomable secret scratch
venerable sky elbow
illusory scorpion technique
fire of the eunuch penetration
innocent willow heel

When you're time comes, will your kung fu be good enough?

Nam just sent me this photo of a chicken-mayo nigiri. Guess it gets boring on that bus to Osaka.

Go check out the Evil Sandmich's continued writings on his adventures in Japanese cuisine last year: LINK

Excerpts:

One morning they had a little hit of ketchup with the Japanese omelet (which I never got tired of, the omelet or the ketchup) and I was as happy as a brain eating zombie (I was quite tired and didn't realize it, but my wife said that I was sucking the contents out of the packet). I got the definite impression that the Japanese don't make a habit of coating their food with anything (ketchup, BBQ sauce, gravy, or even wasabi).

The relative lack of condiments is something you get used to, or if you're a condiment/spice/topping addict, deal with by carrying around your own. Actually, condiments are a lot more prevalent than they were in years past. It used to be damn near impossible to get ketchup with your fries - at McDonalds!

Japanese Condiment Factoid o' the Day: Up until about five years ago it was common for restaurants (even large chain or "family" restaurants) to refill partially depleted Tabasco bottles - with soy sauce! The resulting mix looked like uranium sludge, and tasted about the same (and no, it wasn't that the Tabasco was just old, either). I assume this vile dilution was carried out by the restaurants as a cost-savings measure, but I have no proof - maybe it was a ploy by the Tabasco distributors to create a more "localized" flavor for the Japanese market (and if Tabasco adds an "Oriental Pepper Sauce" to their lineup, you will know where they got the idea).

Also on the beef night, I had something for the first time during the trip - raw squid. Now I don't mind the cooked kind, and the flavor didn't bother me, but the texture.... The most polite way of putting it is, imagine if a stranger hocked up a big, thick, mildly fishy loogey and put it in the fridge, and the next night you accidentally dined on it.

Raw squid is best when it's very fresh and is called "ika sashimi"; even when refrigerated, it starts degrading rapidly and after a short time becomes what I usually refer to as "bait."

Also, the phrase "mildly fishy" never fails to evoke terrifying memories of a certain teacher I had in junior high who had recently immigrated from Germany. Her impressive bust and fondness for wearing tight, short-sleeve summer dresses was set off by the fact she had the hairiest armpits I've seen in my entire life, which dripped sweat in the summer when she raised her arms to write on the blackboard. Just thought I'd share that.

To add insult to injury, they were served in a bowl with cold, greenish noodles that were about the same texture as the fish (sans eyes of course). I hesitantly ate my 'snot noodles', but I couldn't bring myself to choke down the fish snot sitting at the bottom of the bowl, it makes my stomach light just thinking about it.

Heh. Damn, this brings back memories from when I first came to Japan. Yep, there were some "delicacies" that I wouldn't touch with a stick back then, although I got used to most of them quickly. There are a few things I still don't like, but there isn't much I haven't tried or given a fair shake, even the stuff mentioned in the story below:

Some years ago, I took some clients from the US out for dinner, and one of them, was adamant about trying every "strange" dish possible.

Thus challenged, I ordered accordingly. I have to admit that he seemed to be genuinely enjoying everything that came until I pulled the trump card and told him the next dish was a specialty of the house, and I bet he couldn't tell what it was:
CLIENT (pleasantly surprised): "Mmm, it's creamy."
ME (factually): "Yes, and it's white, too."
CLIENT (savoring a larger bite): "It's kind of sweet."
ME: "Dude! Your mouth is full of COD SPERM!"
........

What can I say? I am here to serve.

Here I will post what we, as a collective, have caught on Awaji up until now, and maybe it will turn into its own updated page.

A baby kawahagi (trigger fish). Caught on gokai (bloodworms). Sumoto port.

Torafugu (pufferfish), caught on squid. Yura.

Small bass, caught on squid. Fugu point.

Small snapper, caught on gokai. Takenokuchi.

A bera (wrasse), on squid. Yura.

Gashira (aka kasago, I suspect, or rockfish in English), caught on squid. Sumoto port.

Not pictured: Sea bass (suzuki), aji (jack mackerel), trout, largemouth bass, small jack, and a marine eel (or poisonous sea snake, according to the locals).

This gallery will expand over time, and hopefully better pictures will replace the fuzzy ones currently on display.

English school or stationery store?

This is an interesting read: Scraping and ad-stripping Google's results

I liken it to a brave little ant picking a fight with an elephant. You applaud the little guy's tenacity, but keep expecting to see a huge foot stomping down any second.

I tried a few searches and the results of Scroogle/Google seem identical... But that said, I can't stop using Google.

To be honest, I don't even want to try. I like GMail. I like Blogger. I have always thought fond of the company because I beta tested their iMode site way back in the day and they sent me Google T-shirts in return for bug reports. And, of course, I use Google for searches every single day (can you say "Home Page"). So it is with mixed feelings that I read the dirt on them here, some of which is unimportant to me, much of which is biased, but all of which makes for interesting reading.

I've decided to see how long it takes Adam to see the blogpet thing to the left. This should be a fun experiment.

So you expect us to believe that a man used to get mistaken for O.D.B. all the time and didn't fully take advantage of it? Seriously, if tricking "drunken admirers from Denmark" and a "little girl who wanted to do a school report about O.D.B" are the worst things you've done, either:
A. You are not a man, or
B. You are lying in order to keep the weekly groupie orgies a secret from your wife.

That is all.

//
Random thought: Do people call information to find phone numbers that much anymore? I can't remember the last time I did.

Recent tragedy aside, "Typhoon" is just a horribly unimaginative name for an (albeit yuppified and second-rate) rice rocket. "The new wave of bold style," indeed. (Note: I'd like to suggest a correction to Toyota Canada here: "tsunami" is actually the Japanese word for... "tsunami.")

I've written about this in the past, but my favorite branding memory is the Japanese company that developed an early web browser and dubbed it "Woody, the Internet Pecker." I, of course, assumed this was a product aimed at the "average horndog salaryman" demographic, complete with Auto-cache Delete Function and Boss Coming! Minimize-to-Tray Button for safely browsing tentacle rape fansites at work, and would have opted for something bolder, like, "CYBERDONG, the Virtual Manhood Extension (w/improved Fuzzy Logic)," to interest the English-speaking plastic-model-otaku crowd and perhaps AirSoft "survival game" enthusiasts as well (because pursuing a pasttime characterized by "getting shot with hard plastic BBs that leave bloody welts" pretty much requires mental illness on the part of the players, and who better to appeal to with risque branding?). I can see the massive marketing blitz now:

- - - BUY CYBERDONG! THE DONG IS ONE! THE DONG IS INSIDE. US ALL. - - -

Outside of an udon shop in Tokushima.

So what about this chunami?

It gets funnier every time she says it, and I swear Thaksin is trying just to ignore it. He keeps saying "wave" and "disaster" in order not to embarass her with the correct pronunciation of "tsunami." Quick, someone stuff some pebbles in her mouth...

The concert staff on Thursday were absolutely Gestapo about the "no recording" policy and screened for cameras, etc. at the door; they wouldn't let people use their cellphones inside the hall (cameraphones) and admonished us even way up in the gallery seats for checking e-mails and such. Even though this is standard practice, I thought it was pretty gay since the concert kicked off late and the gap between the opening and main acts was so long (preventing Japanese from using their cell phones is like pulling cables to remove Neo from the Matrix). It made me happy to find out that my little bro managed to bring a camera in and snap off shots, possibly just out of spite for the rules (you gotta fight for your right...).

Overall, it was a good concert. Actually, since it may be their last gig here (there are rumours this is their last tour), and especially considering that we had free tickets, it was fairly awesome. Since it was a Wednesday night, the crowd was small, but it was good to see hardcore fans. Osaka-jo hall is an okay venue, acoustically, but considering the size of the crowd (1,500?) a better choice would have been, say, Mother's Hall in Namba. There were some sound problems toward the end, but considering the Beasties' varied set switching from hip hop to instrumental to guitar sound, it was understandable.

Opening act: Le Tigre. In my opinion, the Worst Opening Act for a Concert, Ever (second worst being a pop-locking mime act opening for the Cure many years ago). I know they are fairly popular right now in a pop chart flavor-of-the-month kinda way, so if you like them, sorry. I won't even pass judgement on them from a musical aspect, but suffice to say they are not worthy of opening for the Beastie Boys. (One last thing about them - there are online reports that Le Tigre sounds like the B-52s. Get off the crack, people.)

The venue started with live video of some roadies pushing a crate toward the stage being projected against the main backdrop (the white square at the top of the photo). They stopped near the stairs to the stage and opened the crate to reveal... Mix Master Mike, who jumped out, vinyl in hand, got behind his turntables, and proceeded to rock the house all night.

He is definitely the favorite here in Japan, and for good reason - Japanese fans usually don't know the names of the tracks, and most can't understand the lyrics or references embedded within - but they all know the wizardry of Mikkusu Masuta Maiku. There are so many aspiring DJs/tablists in Japan (I even saw used 1100s on sale at a computer shop in Umeda yesterday), and they all know his name is earned. Among the other tweaks and tricks he put on display at the concert, I saw him bend a vinyl in half with both hands, throw it on the table, then bend the lip of it upward with his thumb, raising one side completely off the table as he scratched with it. Just fucking amazing and a complete joy to watch.

This is what I remember of the set:
All Lifestyles
Root Down
Sure Shot
Super Disco Breakin
Sabrosa
Pass The Mic
Gratitude
Ricky's Theme
Lighten Up
Something's Got To Give
Open Letter To NYC
Intergalactic
Right Now
Body Movin'
Three MCs And One DJ
Check It Out
So Whacha Want
Sabotage

There were others, and it was a longer set than I expected, maybe an hour and a half. I was happy. Thanks for the tickets, T.

UPDATE: Official photos

Opening act is Le Tigre. Rrrar.

Done with work. Called T and confirmed he got the tickets. Adam and Nam are eating pizza. Getting ready to go to Osaka-jo hall, and it's definitely time to get ill:

Riding down the block with my box in my hand
Today I feel like chillin' just as chill as I can
Coolin' on the corner with a forty of O.E.
'Cause me and M.C.A. we're down with Mike D
When I run a jam I don't give a damn
When I'm throwing bass I say, "Thank you ma'am."
Fuel injected, rhyme connected running things
I'm the King Adrock and I'm the king of all kings
I'm looking for a spot things are gettin' hot
I'm M.C.A., I'm here to stay and you sir, are not
Oh no, it could not be it's such a sight to see
It's such a trip you're on my tip so listen to Mike D.
My work is my play cause I'm playing when I work
My name's Mike D., as you can see and I can dot the jerk
M.C.A., Adrock, Mike D. - it's chill
What's the time? it's time to get ill

The JP equivalent of a midnight Grand Slam.

This gross monstrosity was served up at a local izakaya last weekend, and I was drunk enough to eat it. I don't remember what it tasted like, but I am getting fairly sick looking at it now. Those baby wieners were about as thin as a pencil and a couple inches long.

BTW, there are a few Denny's in Japan, but they don't serve Grand Slams. Or chicken-fried steak. Or even decent hash browns, if I recall correctly. I only went once, and I'm never going again. Udon noodles just don't belong on a Denny's menu.

A very attractive...GIRLFRIEND I have. An attractive friend of the female persuasion is staying over as well. My girlfriend is reading as I write this over my shoulder. Fucking please, somebody help! Well, I guess I asked for it. Many beers. Fuck me. I'm a fucking idiot for even mentioning this shit.

For hardcore Neal Stephenson fans:
The Command Line in 2004

70 pieces of person.

Back shot.

"Buddhist monks in Lao PDR have developed a series of posters aimed at spreading love and compassion for people living with HIV and AIDS, while addressing the stigma and discrimination surrounding the disease."

LINK

Search Google with one of these strings:
inurl:"MultiCameraFrame?Mode="
inurl:/view/view.shtml?videos=

In the search results, you'll find hundreds of unsecured webcams, many of which are being used as security cameras.

BONUS: You can control some of them, too.

For those who are into the quiz thing, check this one out:

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

Please note that the lowest common denominator for all of the professions listed is that you have to be a really good liar.

I promised myself not to blog at all this year until something really good happened. And now that the first fart bubbles in the sento (public bath) have surfaced in this new year, I am writing again!... Well, there's another reason, as well - my pal T called last night and seems to have scored FREE TICKETS TO THE BEASTIE CONCERT AT OSAKA CASTLE NEXT WEEK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! CHECK-CHA-CHECK-CHECK-CHECK-CHA-CHECKITOUT!

As you can see, I'm slightly excited - what an awesome start for the new year!

Drive-by moblogging.

Watch out for dead surfer dudes!

It's good enough for me - ayayayayaya!

Pirates!

The whirlpools of Naruto.