One of the coolest things about rural Thailand is the prevalence of bladed tool vendors outside of banks and government building selling scythes, spades, hatchets, axes, machetes, and cooking knives of all sizes and types. I went to the tax office with some Japanese teachers last week and as they waited in line inside, I was just outside the window closest to the tax clerks, handling what could basically be desribed as a ghetto battle axe, with a rusty, roughly machined blade welded to a steel pipe that served as a handle. I don't know if the clerks saw me outside in my adolescent dwarf warrior state, but when I went in they let me cut to the front of the line...

This morning I bought a big ghetto cleaver with a big hole cut in the blade to hang it from a nail on the wall, just before I went inside Kasikorn Bank to pay the monthly on my car. The security guard saw me test the blade with my thumb, make the purchase, and stroll into the bank and didn't bat an eye... Which is kind of amazing since if all I had was a nightstick and someone pulled this on me, I'd wail like a beleaguered bitch and surrender my castle:

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Of course, it bears asking if the monster living under the eaves of my house is going to be impressed:

I'm guessing: Not!

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BONUS TOKAY GECKO (Latin: Gekko Gecko @ Linnaeus, 1758) TRIVIA:

• "Tokays are the least lovable of the geckos. They are known for their nasty temperament, cheerfully biting the hand that feeds, cleans or otherwise comes into anything resembling close proximity to them." (link)


• Vietnam vets know Tokay Geckos as "fuck you" lizards (link), due to their mating calls (which last all goddamn night, believe me)

I've lived in Asia for over a decade, so I'm used to squat toilets (as opposed to western-style toilets that you sit on). I prefer squat toilets everywhere except for my own bathroom, actually. I know that doctors and health professionals say that you don't "get germs" from other people via toilet seat transfer, but what can I say? They probably live sheltered lives and have never SEEN the disgusting state of nasty public toilet seats - you know, the ones yellowed from age, with huge welts from cigarette burns, cracked in three separate pieces and with stinky bits of shit and god-knows-what stuck to it. You know, the kind that make you feel invaded by germs just by looking at them... Anyway, this post is not about squat vs. western style toilets, because in general, you use what's available at the time (an exception to this would be the few public restrooms that provide BOTH types of toilets, but that's beyond the scope of this post).

One thing I have been wondering about ever since I first came to Thailand is, what are the exact mechanics for wiping your ass when there's no paper, but an open tank of water and a plastic scoop? I mean, I kind of get the drift that Mr. Finger(s) will be touching Mr. Browneye at some point in the procedure, but how the hell is that sanitary if everyone is using the same source of water? Let me state that a bit more concisely: Are my shit crumbs mixing with your shit crumbs? My enquiring mind wanted to know!

Also, what about the spray hose found in some Thai toilets?

And why do I see Thai people coming out of the restroom with large wet spots on their bums? Does this not bother them? (It bothers the hell out of me...)

Well, last night I stumbled upon a thread on the Thaivisa forums that shed some light on this situation: Thai Toilet Etiquette

Go check it out. It may give you an idea of how to wipe your ass if there's no toilet paper in the stall and you've forgotten to take along some tissues (although I can't believe there are actually people taking off their pants and hanging them around their necks in public restrooms!).

SEMON - The breakfast of champions. Extra creamy filling.

CHICKEN SHAKE - According to the package, it is/contains neither. It is, however, a magnificent concept, even more repulsive than the famous meat shake joke.

BIG SHEET - When you get the urge for coprophagy, nothing else will doo. ;)

... are falling from my walls onto my bed and the floor. There are hundreds of them, I'm sure, hatching around our house. I've seen around 30 or so in the past couple of days, slightly more than an inch long and still learning how to walk. Thus, they fall on my bed from the ceiling. I accidentally crushed one with the screen door yesterday and felt really bad about it.

hemidactylus frenatus - the House Gecko, known as "jingjok" in Thailand.

Image borrowed from here.

I just finished grading for the first semester of classes - whew! It was hard work, much more work than a sweaty gaijin should have to do in 38 degree (C) weather.

Anyway, many of my colleagues aren't finished, so I told them about the "staircase method" of grading that I read about somewhere on the in-tar-webs. This consists of standing at the top of a staircase and throwing a stack of ungraded tests (or papers) down the stairs. The tests on the highest steps get A's, the next highest get B's, and so forth... My Thai colleagues really got off on this idea, maybe even a bit too much...

I must say that I never expected to become a teacher, much less at a university. But here I am. It's been fun so far.