Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sick as a dog and thus...bedridden.

As a disclaimer, I'm super sick, can do nothing by lie down and so please bear with my ramblings.

So what I thought was a spontaneous case of allergies turned into a full blown sickness of dizziness, weakness, a closed-up throat and the inability to speak. They say that every time you get "sick", it's actually a different version since your immune system has the cure on backup if you encounter the same thing twice. Well, I'll make a mental note on this one version: the early symptom is excessive sneezing. I'm not joking. I probably sneezed like 30 times in one day! So beware!

I woke up with a horrible pain in my throat today and couldn't squeak out a sound without even more pain, so I was a mute. I planned on trying to stay warm in my pj's and in bed so that I could rest up, but instead I got a text message from my tech-savvy mother who reminded me that today was the last day for graduation photos. My first thought was ARGH. Do I really have to venture out today? Do I really have to get ready, put on makeup and brush my hair? But I figured that I had to do it for my only makes sense, right?

So I finally get ready and step outside in the freezing I will NEVER understand San Diego weather. Then I stand in line for over an hour to get my photos taken and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a frame for my diploma and graduation announcements. I can't believe how much money they make off of students, it's just so cruel.

Also, it's been one of those Panic Weeks. I tend to have these cycles where I don't worry about my future job(s) and career because I know I want to travel for a while...and then I panic because I have no solid idea of what I want to do with myself. I mean, I have some vague idea of what I want and definitely have ideas of what I don't want, but in the end, I'm lost. I know people that "it's normal," but it hasn't been as comforting lately. Especially when I'm surrounded by people who seem to know exactly what they're doing. I was hoping that I would have blossomed into that "young lady" that everyone in my family claims me to be, when really I'm scared that I've become a disappointment.

On a lighter note, things otherwise are the sense that nothing much has been happening. I'm on Associate status with AKPsi so I have a lot more time to myself, which is kind of weird since I feel no obligation to anything anymore. I've been living with my boyfriend of 19 months (along with 3 other roommates) and it has been interesting, to say the least. I know it sounds shocking but trust me, we didn't plan for it. It wasn't our initial plan and a lot of my fears of "what could happen" did happen, but what I didn't expect was that we'd work through them and come out knowing each other better (maybe even more than we may have wanted.). I'm not gonna lie, I can be a total brat sometimes, stubborn and irritable, but he knows how to handle me now; he doesn't let me get away with being a brat but he knows that he's not the problem and comforts me in the most surprising ways.

On the topic of relationships (and in no way am I hinting on my behalf), Gina is getting married in September! She is the first of us high school friends to get married so I will be attending my first real wedding of a true friend with many other friends. It is so exciting and so...grown up! I know it sounds dumb, but it's almost bizarre to think that we are of marrying age. And when we have kids?!? Just nuts, I tell ya.

Anyways, I'm starting to feel tired, so I shall...retire. Hah. Delirious, I tell ya.


I have a new baby cousin...or is it some kind of nephew?? My cousin had his first son, the first of us cousins to have a baby! He's SO SMALL! It's amazing! Clicky!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ignorance IS Bliss

I've come to realize that I am one of either extremes: I'm very comfortable or uncomfortable; close vs. distant; warm vs. cold. And I think it's because I've formed this mutant form of self-protection. I don't know how else to explain it. I guess I could also explain it in a way that in order to not have expectations, I don't do anything that causes me to expect them in the first place. As in, I don't want to have to set a sort of standard of what to expect. I don't WANT to know if someone cares as much as I do. I don't WANT to know if I've drawn the shorter straw. I just don't want to know because I'd rather skip through life knowing that everyone is nice than realizing that people are faking their smiles.

But then I figured, you know, in order to really live life and care about other people, you should show it. I guess I forgot about the whole reciprocation of expectation and people once you do favors, though, because I've been feeling butt-hurt about things that never used to bother me. One I feel some awkwardness or change, I just start to run and I don't stop until I feel safe again.

I noticed through my writings that this seems to be a consistent theme to my life. Am I always going to try and hug people and then run away?

Monday, April 07, 2008

The Firsts of the Lasts

This quarter is already scaring me at the pace it has picked up: too fast. I just came back from my last Spring Retreat this past weekend and while it was fun, it's made me realize that...this is it! This is my last quarter. This is my last Rush, my last first, second, third week of the quarter, what have you. This is my last quarter of college life as I know it. I've grown comfortable, complacent and even bored...but am I ready to move on? I'm hoping so because being excited for the next phase is what will help me in getting over my nostalgia for comfort here in SDeezy.

I've realized that I've always blogged throughout college and during a time when I feel like I should have so much to say, I'm actually unable to think of anything inspiring to write about. What does anyone expect to read here, anyways? I always thought that a great blogger was someone who could show their readers who they really were without ever having to meet them. I'd like to be that type of writer one day: someone real and relatable through just their writings. I hope I can have something to update about soon so that I can keep up with my building schedule!